Journal of Two Winters
by Toni Arkens
Summary: As winter sets in on Beforus, Vriska Serket, a top Imperial Agent, finds herself faced with a situation which throws her into a whirlwind of emotion, guilt, and uncertainty. But is the old saying true? It it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? And if so, does this apply to platonic love, as well?
1. Entry 1

**So I wrote this in two days. Over 10,000. Hot Damn.**

**Also, this work includes potentially triggering content, most notably suicide.**

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><p>On my l8est assignment, I was asked if I regret what I do, and how I can live with myself.<p>

There are times, yes, when I fail to sleep for a significant portion of the day, when the screams and the 8egging of those I take in haunt my dreams. When it feels that not a single thing on 8eforus could calm that which 8om8ards my conscience. 8ut I have duties I must attend to. I am trusted to track down those who have dis8eyed the law. It is only right that they receive their judgement d8.

For reasons I cannot determine, I find myself in a st8 of nostalgia. Reflecting on when I played with the troll who would l8r 8ecome Empress, telling one another stories of overheard legends. Her favor8 has always 8een that of the 8urgundy who is said to arrive in a 8last of fire from the sky thousands of sweeps from now.

Ah, my dear Feferi! How she has matured since she first accepted the throne! In her reign, she is tough 8ut fair. She has a8andoned the foolish notion that a utopia can 8e reached, though she still strives to grant peace to all. However, she knows that she must not allow injustices to go unpunished. This truth 8oth keeps the tranquility we hold dear, and provides me with employment. So no, I do not regret assisting my friend.

I am only ever instructed to capture those who have committed crimes, and not once have I failed or taken the wrong individual into custody. It is 8ecause of this fact and due to my a8ilities that I am known as one of the most successful individuals in my line of work, and yet I manage to keep my identity a secret from any whom I do not wish to know it. The assignment previously referred to was to track down a troll who is thought to have information on a much more dangerous fugitive. It took time to track him down, however I was quite punctual overall. Especially considering that I have no 8ackup to assure my safety or to assist in loc8ing him.

Unlike most Imperial Agents, I refuse to work with anyone else. There is only one other whom I know of to do the same. Ampora is my only rival, and I his. We compete for 8oth the num8er of criminals 8rought in, as well as Feferi's approval. In general, we are in a constant duel for honor. One which I intend to 8est him at if it is with my last 8reath.

I cast a glance down at the sketch of the one I was searching for. He had evaded me for some time now, 8ut I insisted that I shan't 8ack down so easily, lest Ampora pick up where I would have failed. He would 8e easy to spot, I was certain of it. And given the fact that I am a land dweller, I dou8ted that he would expect me to 8e the one who had come to collect him. The lawnrings have just 8egun to 8rown, and it has 8een several nights since the first time this sweep I have 8een a8le to see the fog of my 8reath. I removed my cloak and disposed of it for the time 8eing in a near8y tree, draping it over one of the lim8s. As minutes passed, I felt the heat of my 8ody 8eing dispelled into the early winter air. After the seventh came and went, only then did I continue on my way.

It was vital, you understand, that I endure the cold and make the trem8les overtaking my 8ody appear genuine. If he were to suspect even the slightest detail to 8e amiss, he would never comply. And Ampora and I have a pact that I am to take control of targets only when a8solutely necessary. And even then, we count it as no more than a quarter of a victory, depending on the circumstances.

This target is said to 8e kindhearted, 8ut I had no idea just to what extent until this night. As I made my way amongst crowds of nearly every 8lood imagina8le, I felt the heat of a hand rest against my 8are shoulder.

He is of a unique 8uild, and were I not specifically instructed to deliver him, I might have found myself fond. Concern was radiant in his eyes as he looked to me and asked if I required refuge. I accepted the offer without hesitation, doing all I could to appear frightened and helpless despite him falling directly into my grip.

Upon entering his hive, it was clear that he had only recently reloc8ed there. And while yes, I could have revealed my identity and intentions at once and gotten it over with, I felt the overwhelming desire to make it last just a little longer, if only for my own entertainment.

Oh, the humor of the situation! For myself to 8e tended to 8y one of such a low 8lood hue is enough to cause laughter to pierce the still air of my 8lock even now as I reflect! When I 8ecame warm enough to fully utilize my mo8ility once again, I regained my tone of authority, informing him of his situation and stating that were he to come peacefully, his chances at a less severe punishment would 8e far gr8er.

Given his nature, I half expected him to o8ey. However, he instead attempted to flee, as most everyone does. I should 8e irrit8ed, 8ut in truth I find this much more fun. He managed to clim8 out onto a 8alcony, though I was a8le to gra8 hold of him there and secure his wrists.

I l8r spoke to Feferi upon 8ringing him 8ack, asking out of pure curiosity as to what his f8 would 8e. She informed me that he will 8e put under interrogation until he reveals wh8ver information he holds. I am unsure if she is aware that I know just how 8rutal interrogations can 8ecome, and that numerous cases result in the prisoner 8ecoming paralyzed. I can only imagine that things will not go simply for one as stu88orn as he seems to 8e. However, I will sleep well this day knowing that Tavros Nitram will get the punishment which fits his crime.


	2. Entry 2

On the rare occ8sion that I have time 8etween jo8s- Must leave some assignments for Ampora, to 8e fair- I often find myself wandering. More often than not, it is 8y the shoreline, again in order to recall similar nights from so long ago. However, I also have taken a liking to the forest just south of my hive. I tend to venture there in the event that I need to rest my thoughts, and do not wish to encounter even Feferi and risk them 8eing thrown into a whirlwind once again.

This particular night was an example. For reasons I cannot articul8, I was finding myself recalling the apprehension of Tavros Nitram. And is that guilt I feel 8u88ling in my core even now? I haven't the slightest clue why I would feel such a thing, not after all the sweeps I have 8een employed doing just this. However, the innocence which seemed almost to radi8 off of him remains in my consciousness. Thinking 8ack, he seemed almost timid. I know 8etter than to ask a8out his f8, though I cannot help 8ut wonder and hope for the 8est.

On this evening's excursion, I came across a rather odd sight. This deep into the forest, I did not expect to see the glow of em8ers, nor the f8nt, trem8ling 8reaths of one without sufficient protection from the chill which has settled into the air for the remainder of the season. Intrigue getting the 8etter of me, I continued ahead.

Sitting with his 8ack against one of the trees, I discovered a troll; adult, yet youthful in appearance, seated in a manner which suggested contempl8tion. I've no idea why I thought anything of it, 8ut I somehow under the impression that something a8out him was different than just another wanderer. I was cautious in my approach, however despite my 8est efforts to remain silent, I knew in an instant that he had detected me. His actions were clumsy as he attempted to clutch the 8ranch sitting 8eside him- which I had erroneously assumed to 8e there out of coincidence- and as he stood, I discovered why. To have seen him was to see a day-old antler8east 8eing startled and attempting to flee on unsteady legs. Quickly I assured him that I meant no harm. I informed him that I was moving closer, knowing that he was una8le to see this for himself, though this seemed to do nothing to ease his nerves. I quite nearly felt sorry for the pitiful creature, staring ahead with terrified, 8lind eyes as though he expected me to attack. I found 8ut one question overtaking me: What horrors has he seen to make him react so?

I was sure to speak calmly in order to encourage him to do the same. I told him my name, softly asked what he was doing there. The entire time, he clutched the 8ranch which served as his alternative to vision, and I made a note of just how thin the fa8ric of his clothing was. All of it was one shade of grey or another, save for a worn leather 8elt around his middle, 8ucling the cloth of his tunic 8eneath it, and the trousers which had clearly 8een repaired numerous times. His cloak served the most use to him, draping over his shoulders and covering the entirety of his neck. The only things of even slight value on his person were his vam8races, which, though I am no expert, I 8elieve to 8e cast in iron. His mouth was slightly agape, surrounded 8y trace amounts of facial hair which traveled up his jaw.

8y this point, fear had given way to suspicion. He in turn 8egan questioning me, and I answered as honestly as I could, save a few minor details to 8uild me in a more prefera8le light.

I thought 8ack to the hospitality Nitram had shown me, and how I had found myself in a st8 of peace which under his care despite not needing it. Acting on instinct, I offered him shelter and a good meal, as he appeared not to have eaten in no less than a week. He responded in the negative, issuing a string of curses as he did so. I am aware that I should have left him to fend for himself after his 8ecoming so ir8, 8ut the poor thing looked so helpless that I knew that were I not to intervene, he would last no more than another month.

I am reminding myself that I have used my a8ilities to make others do far worse things than come to my hive and sit tight while I care for them.

I fear that he has injured his ankle, pro8a8ly in his haste to retreat when I first approached him. While there is no 8lood, he favored his left on our trek 8ack. When I released him from my influence, I informed him of this, and insisted that he remain here until he has healed.

He did not react well to 8eing 8rought here against his will, 8ut he soon discovered that attempting to make an escape was not worth the pain of his ankle. In just one short night, I have managed to gain his trust and lead him to tranquility. However, he refuses to reveal his name or sign. It is foolish, yes, 8ut I will comply until he feels safe enough to tell me. He is gr8ful for my hospitality, despite the numerous out8ursts of explic8 language. I will admit that on occasion, I will make a sound louder than necessary just to see if different vari8tions will have more of an effect in startling him. For the moment, he appears to react the same to them all. I fear that something has triggered something within him, causing him to 8e afraid of nearly everything. He attempts to hide it from me, 8ut to no avail. Whatever my new company has experienced, it has left him paranoid and traumatized. Given how poorly he interacts with his surroundings, I can only imagine that he lost his vision no more than a few sweeps ago, and I find myself wondering if this has something to do with it. However, I know that inquiring too heavily at the moment could cause him to shut me out once again, so I will take inform8ion only as he is willing to give it.

Whoever he is, I sense gr8 things ahead for him.


	3. Entry 3

I find myself facing off against a decision 8etween what is right and what is 8est.

I 8egan the night 8y assessing my hiveguest's recovery, which has 8een smooth and rapid. I expect him to 8e in well enough condition to have 8een a8le to go on his way in only a few days, though I would not have o8jected were he to desire residing with me for longer. At the very least, I was to send him off with provisions.

A messenger l8r came to inform me that I was to report to Feferi for a new assignment. After having 8een nearly confined to my hive for so long, I was on the verge of ecstasy. There was no dou8t that Ampora was rising closer to where I currently stand, and I was more than anxious to return to the game.

I did not 8ow 8efore her. I never have except in jest. She has never expected me to do so, nor would I were she to ask it of me. I simply greeted her and requested the inform8ion on the next target.

There is one thing which remains the same every time. The envelope which holds the inform8ion on the criminal I am to apprehend is always marked with their name and sign. Tonight, however, it was different. Tonight, it was 8lank.

Confusion overtook me as I looked inside, and I was certain that the entirety of the universe ceased moving. 8eing sure not to show any signs of my astonishment and, I will admit, fear, I inquired a8out the envelope's lack of identifi8tion.

I could not have prepared for her reply.

I have heard tales of individuals with 8lood that is off the spectrum, though I had always passed them off as 8eing completely fictitious. However, Feferi informed me that the one I am meant to seek has a rare- Quite possi8ly unique- mut8tion which leaves him as one of the legends I have always so easily ignored. 8ecause of his hue, he has no name nor sign. He has apparently 8een on the run since he was only six sweeps of age, having a8andoned the troll who had culled him. My duty is to track him down and 8ring him for his punishment.

I know all too well what the sentence for such a crime is. Personally, it is the only one that I feel is too harsh, though Feferi insists that it is to assure that none go out into the world and risk their lives. 8ut now more than ever I wish to insist that one's life is far too high a cost for something as simple as running off as a youngling.

I write now in the forest, not far from where I discovered the very troll whose image rests in my pocket now. I understand now his unwillingness to accept my help, as well as the general terror he holds. I now find it admira8le that he holds himself as well as he does.

To think that I would 8e not only har8oring a fugitive, 8ut nursing him 8ack to health! To think that I have 8een growing fond of him, perhaps even in a manner which is verging on pale! The entire notion is inconceiva8le!

And yet, I sit in the same place I first laid eyes on him.

It would 8e simple to 8ring him in and claim another victory over Ampora. He has 8egun to trust me, and 8eing 8lind, he would 8e una8le to see where I would 8e leading him. So why, pray tell, do I hesit8? Were the punishment not execution, would I 8e more willing? Would I rather know that he would 8e su8ject to indetermin8 lengths of torture and agony? Certainly not. 8ut I have 8rought others to their deaths 8efore in the same manner. Why has he changed me so? And should I grant him his life, am I prepared to risk him changing me even further?

Never 8efore have I dou8ted that what I have 8een doing is for the 8etterment of 8eforus. I have always followed orders from my Empress, from my friend, without question. How many innocents have 8een sent to the gallows, have endured horrors 8eyond imagin8tion, simply 8ecause I never stopped to contempl8 what I was doing?

I am at a loss.

There is an ancient hymn which I have caught my mutant hiveguest muttering under his 8reath. The language has all 8ut 8een lost to time, 8ut I have worked to transl8 a few lines. "Or8io irka it klo van gau vl'kl vo laetk gaislk; klato tas ag ar8o laetk rars t'rko rogk klo vaur8 ag klo kar, dik klo kat tlaer'k oq'u vou'tl"

"Endue unto us the peace for which we hast fought; those warriors of olde hast long since left the world of the living, 8ut their ideals shan't ev'r perish" I thought it to 8e nothing more than religious affection 8ut I now understand why he is so taken 8y the words.

To 8e a mutant! To 8e an outcast from society! Not once have I considered just what a lonely world that must 8e! I see now why he does not reveal his 8lood, 8ut I shan't ever fully understand what he has endured. I can only assume that he has never had a lusus of his own. Can you imagine it? I cannot help 8ut wonder how he was raised. The only possi8le theory is that he was culled as a gru8, and that he was tended to 8y an adult troll. The very concept is 8oth fascin8ing and oddly mournful.

It is no wonder that he has 8uilt such a rugged exterior, pushing away any and all who attempt to 8ecome near to him. And yet, I sense an underlying kindness which knows no 8ounds, hindered only 8y injustices which his life has granted him.

There are only two options I may choose from at this point in time. One is that I continue on as I always have, pushing aside any guilt until I quite nearly forget that it is there and do as I am employed to do. The other is far more dangerous.

I will weigh the potential outcomes of 8oth scenarios and continue my log when I have made my decision.


	4. Entry 4

Upon determining what action I would take regarding my guest who is running from the law, I sought out yet another old friend of mine. I understood very well the risks which came along with contacting her, 8ut I felt that the potential of putting her at ease would outweigh it all.

It is 8ecause of my good word that Terezi was a8le to rise in the ranks so quickly, ending up working closely with Feferi despite not knowing one another on a personal 8asis. Night would 8e fading soon, and I knew that I had to make haste if I wanted to return to my hive 8y sunrise. And even then, I was unsure if it would 8e safe to do so.

It all depended on her reaction.

I w8ed outside for longer than I'd have liked, entering her hive not a moment after her client had exited. Taken out 8y guards, chains around his neck and wrists. She must have found him guilty. She finds most everyone guilty of something or another. I knew very well that this could 8e my own f8 if I was not careful.

I was greeted with the lopsided, mildly frightening grin which has comforted me since I was young. More often than not, I wonder if perhaps my associ8ion with her has shaped me in ways which may put other off.

As I sat opposite her, I quickly and cautiously explained to her my situ8ion, revealing to her things which I had once sworn I would tell no one. I told her of my newfound dou8t in the justice system she held so dear to her heart, of my intention to lead my nameless companion to safety whether he accepted my assistance or not.

The silence was not unlike that after an execution, after the crowds have 8een cleared away and all that remains is the empty space soaked with 8lood. After a short eternity, Terezi asked me softly why I had come to tell her this. I very well could have lied, kept up the strong facade I have worked so hard to 8uild up for myself. 8ut I instead made a vow of honesty to myself, explaining to her that she has 8een, is, and always shall 8e my dearest friend, and that I would never want her to fear that something had happened to cause my demise. I did not mention that in doing this, that could very well 8e the case. She knew this already.

And this was what I had not expected.

Terezi stood, and for a moment I was certain that she was a8out to call for the guards, explaining that I was guilty of treason. 8ut instead she placed a hand on my shoulder, aqua eyes looking into mine from 8ehind red glasses. Her smile was unfamiliar. It was soft. Kind. Reassuring. She swore to me in that moment that she will remain 8y my side no matter what perils I endure, even if she must sacrifice her own st8 of living in the process.

We shared a laugh as she claimed that I would make a decent pir8.

I expected her to 8e furious, or in the 8est scenario to wish me well in my quest. Never could I have imagined that she would offer to actively assist me. The extent of her loyalty has gone unnoticed until this night.

I 8rought her 8ack to my hive, where my companion was quick to insist I tell him of the identity of she who followed 8ehind me. I can only assume that he has learned the sound of my shoes against the floor, or else he would have had no way of knowing that it was me. I allowed Terezi to introduce herself 8efore explaining to him the situation at hand and informing him that I would, and am, trusting Terezi with my life.I expected him to argue, to 8egin cursing insisting that he needed not our help. However, he only stared in her direction, his unseeing, pure red eyes filled with….. something. I was far too distracted to make an accur8 note of it. He nodded, and I st8d that we would leave first thing tomorrow evening.

I resume now from a lengthy pause in my writing after 8eing interrupted. Terezi has long since retired for the morning, so when I heard the soft knock on the door to my 8lock I knew just who it was. I allowed him inside, the 8ranch tapping lightly at the ground as he entered (I have offered more than once to replace it with something else, 8ut he declined). After leading him to a seat, I saw trace amounts of fear in his expression, not unlike that which had made up the entirety of his exterior on the night we met. He asked me in a hushed tone how much I knew. I told him.

The moment I 8rought up his 8lood, I saw his grip on the 8ranch tighten in anxiety. I continued to explain my recently acquired reconsiderations toward our laws. When this appeared to have no calming effect, I placed a hand on his arm, a8le only to hope that my smile could 8e heard in my voice. I assured him that he would 8e safe, and that I would do all that was in my power to 8e certain that I kept that promise. His own hand reached out now, fingertips gently resting on my face without 8othering to ask for permission- What a way to treat a lady, I mentally jested-and he gingerly searched my features. He must have 8een satisfied 8y the upward tilt of the corners of my lips, as he withdrew then and left me to return to my work.

I was certain that we only spoke for perhaps twenty minutes, 8ut 8y this time I can see that the sun has risen high, and I estim8 it to 8e a8out midday. We must have held convers8ion for hours on end. I find it odd that two individuals, having met only 8y chance, can connect in such a way that they will risk their lives for one another- And this applies to 8oth Terezi and myself. I have always valued my own a8ove all else, and yet we plan to depart in only hours on a journey which will put it at risk for the sake of another's.

I can only hope that my luck will remain fortun8.


	5. Entry 5

We left while the last rays of sunlight still peeked over the horizon. It was irritating to the skin and even more so to the eyes, 8ut we endured. I will not say that our nameless friend seemed un8othered 8y it, 8ut he did not appear surprised 8y its effect. I can only assume that he has had to venture out at this time 8efore.

Terezi and I were experiencing it for the first time. To think that there are some who not only toler8, 8ut enjoy the pure sunlight! It is unfathoma8le! And yet our companion insists that the tales ring true. I was always fond of stories of rain8ow drinkers in my youth, and now it has 8een revealed that a mem8er of our company seems to have known one personally in his lifetime.

It was around this moment that I 8egan fretting. I accepted long ago that I will outlive my dear Terezi, 8ut now I find myself fearing it again. And as for our mutant, I can only imagine that he will live far fewer sweeps than even the lowest castes. We have gone from one fugitive to three. What will 8ecome of me once the only two others I can trust move 8eyond this world? I have seen what sweeps of running from the law can do. Our friend was alone when I found him, and he only ever alludes to people with whom he claims to have lost touch with long ago. I cannot fathom just how lonely an existence that must 8e, and yet I will have no choice 8ut to discover the answer in time.

I have 8een una8le to record much over the past few months. Winter has hit in full force, and we have all excreted the entirety of our energy into ensuring survival. I am confident, however, that the spring will grace us soon.

It was early this evening that Terezi returned with the news. I have seen her run often, 8ut never in a manner such as that she had tonight. She flew into the mouth of the cave we are currently residing in, sweat on her 8row, snow in her hair, and terror in her eyes. She clutched a piece of parchment, holding it out to me while she caught her 8reath instead of speaking.

Never 8efore have I seen her so afraid.

I read over the text a total of 8 times 8efore allowing my gaze to linger on the drawings. Our 8lind companion was in near desper8ion as he 8egged me to explain what was happening.

I never in my life expected to see my face on a wanted poster. For Feferi- Or perhaps I should use her title or surname, given that I highly dou8t that we are on friendly terms any longer- for the Empress to go to Makara, she must consider us to 8e a significant threat. Especially if the two of them have employed him to track us down.

Go ahead, Ampora. If you manage to apprehend me, I will consider you the winner of our little game. Just do not forget that I a8solutely despise losing.

I tended to the fire as Terezi attempted to 8ring our friend to a st8 of peace, or at the very least steady his 8reathing and cease his hyperventilating. It pains me to see him like that. He is so afraid of what will happen to him should he 8e discovered that even the slightest mention of the possi8ility triggers these attacks. It has happened a num8er of times. I only glance up from time to time as I see Terezi holding his face in tender hands, wiping away tears of a 8rilliant shade of red. If he cries in such a vivid hue, what his 8lood must look like! A part of me is curious, 8ut my more logical side insists that I do not ever wish to see him 8leed, for this would mean that he would 8e in danger, or at the very least, in pain.

For someone who appears so very open, it is no secret that Terezi masks her emotions. That 8eing said, she is also not incredi8ly skilled at it. To most, yes. 8ut I know 8etter. I see the way she looks at him. In these few short months, I have watched her expression soften whenever she is in his presence. The aloof aura fades to one of a caring nature, and she is always careful never to come across too strongly, as she is known to do. Oh, with what joy, and admiration, and love she gazes at him with. She looks to him as one would look to the 8eing that formed the moon and stars. In her eyes, he has cre8d the universe. It is unlike any flushed pining I have seen. Were he a8le to catch sight of her face for even a mere second, I am certain that he would understand at once. However, this leaves the question of whether or not he would reciproc8 her feelings. He is much more difficult to read, pro8a8ly a skill which he has worked to perfect as a defense mechanism. He does not wish anyone to 8e a8le to see into his heart, lest they use it to manipul8 his head.

No one except me, in this moment.

Terezi is on watch. She and I will altern8 guarding. In time, we plan to 8uild a small hive as a more perminant refuge, and we will apply security measures. 8ut for now, it must all 8e done manually. I have our friend 8y my side, and have finally worked up the courage to ask him if he would share with me his story. And after only the slightest of hesit8ions, he has agreed. He has provided me with a sample of his handwriting, and accepted also my proposition to transcri8e word for word his tale exactly as he would write it were he a8le to once again see the page.

What follows is the story of he who 8ears no name.


	6. Entry 6

ABOVE ALL ELSE, I BELIEVE THAT I DO NOT DESERVE THE REPUTATION WHICH HAS BEEN CAST UNTO ME.

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO WARRANT SUCH A FATE? I HAVE NEVER INITIATED, NOR EVEN CONSIDERED INITIATING ANY SORT OF VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. IN FACT, I WISH FOR THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

MANY LIVE UNDER THE FALSE PRETENSE THAT BEFORUS IS A UTOPIAN SOCIETY. AND WHILE I AM UNAWARE OF WHAT THE WORLD WAS LIKE PRIOR TO THE CURRENT EMPRESS, I AM CERTAIN THAT THE INTRODUCTION OF CULLING WAS NOT ENTIRELY BENEFICIAL.

GIVEN MY BLOOD, THERE ARE NO LUSI THAT WOULD EVEN CONSIDER TAKING ME IN. IN THIS RESPECT, I OWE MY LIFE TO CULLING CULTURE. HOWEVER, ONE MUST BE BLISSFULLY IGNORANT OR SIMPLY A FUCKING FOOL TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS WITHOUT ITS FLAWS. I BELIEVED IN THE BEGINNING THAT PERHAPS I HAD JUST BEEN DEALT A MISFORTUNE. THAT PERHAPS NOT ALL CULLED TROLLS WERE TREATED AS POORLY AS I.

IN TOTAL, I WAS CULLED BY SIX DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS, AND ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE THEIR "CARE" ON NINE OCCASIONS. EACH INSTANCE BROUGHT UNTO ME NOTHING BUT THE SAME. NEVER ONCE WAS I ALLOWED TO VOICE MY OPINION, NOR WAS I GRANTED THE ABILITY TO DO MUCH OF ANYTHING FOR MYSELF. THE VILLIANOUS RUMP-FED CRETINS INDIRECTLY TAUGHT ME THAT MY PLACE, MY VERY POINT IN EXISTING, WAS TO SIT AND DO AS I WAS INSTRUCTED.

I HAVE SEEN THE HORRORS OF HOW RUST BLOODS ARE TREATED, AND HAVE LIVED SUCH INJUSTICES TENFOLD. I ONCE ENDURED HALF A SWEEP WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, AND IT WAS DURING THIS LENGTH OF TIME THAT HE WHO CLAIMED TO BE CARING FOR ME TREATED ME QUITE NEARLY AS THOUGH I WERE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A WOUNDED ANIMAL.

I WAS YOUNG WHEN I AT LAST ESCAPED THE HELL I HAD BEEN ENSLAVED TO. IT WAS ON MY SIXTH WRIGGLING DAY THAT I SET OFF IN THE LAST HOUR OF DAYLIGHT. THE SUN WARMED MY SKIN PAST THE POINT OF COMFORT, BUT I HAD ABANDONED MY CLOAK, AS I HAD NEVER BEEN PERMITTED ONE THAT WAS ANY COLOR BESIDES THAT OF THE ATROCITY THAT RUNS THROUGH MY VEINS. I HAD LITTLE PROTECTION, AND I KNEW LITTLE OF THE WORLD AND NEARLY NOTHING OF HOW ORDINARY TROLLS WERE RAISED. I DID, HOWEVER, KNOW ANGER AND HATRED, AND IT WAS THESE TWO EMOTIONS WHICH I FOUND TO DICTATE MY LIFE.

I HELD NO DOUBT THAT THERE WERE A NUMBER OF IMPERIAL AGENTS SEARCHING FOR ME. THIS WAS NOT A MINOR CRIME I HAD COMMITTED. ON MY PREVIOUS ATTEMPTS, I HAD BEEN DISCOVERED BEFORE MANAGING TO GET PAST THE BORDER OF THE LAWNRING, AND NOW I FOUND MYSELF FAR FROM ALL FAMILIAR SIGHTS. TO BE FOUND NOW WAS TO FACE CERTAIN DEATH IN WHAT I AM SURE WOULD BE FAR FROM CIVIL.

AS I GREW OLDER, I FOUND MYSELF FACING THE NATURAL CHANGES ALL GO THROUGH WITH AGE. THIS PROVIDED ME WITH FAR LESS PROTECTION THAN I'D HAD PREVIOUSLY. ON ONE OCCASION, I CAME ACROSS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO ASKED ME WHY I WAS OUT ALONE, AND WHAT A YOUNG BURGUNDY WAS WITHOUT THE ONE WHO CULLED HIM. I KNEW AT ONCE THAT THIS MEANT THAT MY EYES WERE BEGINNING TO FILL WITH THE WRETCHED HUE, THOUGH I WOULD STILL HAVE TIME BEFORE IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS THAT SOMETHING WAS AMISS. SWIFTLY, I CLAIMED THAT I WAS SIMPLY RUNNING AN ERRAND, AND WAS THUS LEFT ALONE FOR THE TIME BEING.

WAITING WOULD HAVE PROVEN FAR TOO GREAT A RISK. I KNEW THAT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE, THOUGH THE ONE OPTION I HAD WAS FAR FROM PLEASANT. GOING THROUGH WITH IT WOULD PROVE TO HAVE ITS OWN DANGERS, AND YET I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. I WAITED UNTIL THE MOON HAD LONG SINCE SUNK BELOW THE DISTANT MOUNTAINS AND THE SUN OCCUPIED ITS PLACE IN THE SKY. THE SENSATION WAS UNIMAGINABLY TERRIBLE AS I WALKED, AND I WAS HALF CONVINCED THAT I WOULD PERISH BEFORE THE DEED COULD BE DONE. ONCE I ARRIVED AT A CLEARING, I GATHERED EVERY SCRAP OF COURAGE AND STRENGTH AND TURNED MY GAZE UPWARDS.

THE AGONY WAS HORRID. I FELT THE LOATHSOME FLUID BEGIN CASCADING FROM MY EYES AS I ATTEMPTED NOT TO CRY OUT. FINDING MYSELF UNABLE TO STAND UPRIGHT, I COLLAPSED TO THE GRASS BELOW AS I BEGAN TO LOSE TOUCH WITH CONSCIOUSNESS. IN MY FINAL MOMENTS BEFORE I WAS OVERTAKEN, I WAS NEAR CERTAIN THAT I HEARD FOOTSTEPS RUSHING TOWARD ME.

WHEN I AWOKE, THE PAIN STILL LINGERED, THOUGH IT WAS TOLERABLE. ONE CANNOT EXPLAIN THE EMOTION WHICH FILLED ME AS I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW NOTHING. YES, IT HAD WORKED, BUT I HADN'T THE FAINTEST IDEA WHERE I NOW RESTED, NOR IF THE MOVEMENT I HEARD FROM THE BLOCK OPPOSITE MEANT HARM OR WELL.

IT TOOK ONLY MINUTES TO DECIDE THAT IT WAS THE LATTER. SHE KEPT HER TOUCHES GENTLE, EXPLAINING THAT SHE HAD DISCOVERED ME WHERE I HAD LAIN IN THE SUNLIGHT, AND THAT SHE HAD BROUGHT ME HERE FOR PROTECTION. I DESPISED THE IDEA INITIALLY, RECALLING ALL TOO WELL WHAT THIS WOULD IMPLY. HOWEVER, SHE WAS DIFFERENT. SHE SPOKE TO ME AS THOUGH I HELD WORTH, AND TREATED ME AS SHE WOULD ANYONE ELSE IN A SIMILAR SITUATION.

UPON ASKING HOW SHE HAD WITHSTOOD THE DAYLIGHT, SHE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT SHE WAS A RAINBOW DRINKER, WHICH, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, GAVE ME A BIT OF A FRIGHT. I FOUND THAT SHE SEEMED NOT TO SPARE A MOMENT TO MENTION MY BLOOD, THOUGH THERE WAS NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT SHE COULD HAVE AVOIDED SEEING IT. FOR THIS, I VOWED TO REPAY HER.

I REMAINED WITH HER FOR THREE MORE NIGHTS, ASSISTING HER IN ANY WAY THAT I COULD IN AN ACT OF THANKS AS SHE HELPED ME ADJUST TO MY NEW BLINDNESS. BEFORE I DEPARTED, SHE GIFTED ME A CLOAK OF GREY TO FEND OFF THE WINTER'S CHILL, AS WELL AS A STURDY YET MANEUVERABLE LIMB FROM A NEARBY TREE AS A TOOL IN WHICH I COULD IDENTIFY OBSTACLES.

WHILE THEY WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, THERE WERE MULTIPLE OCCASIONS IN WHICH I FOUND MYSELF IN THE COMPANY OF OTHERS. BEFORE THE LOSS OF MY VISION, A YOUNG GOLD BLOOD OFFERED ME FRIENDSHIP WHICH I FEEL VERY WELL COULD HAVE MIGRATED INTO THE RED QUADRANTS WERE I TO HAVE ALLOWED IT. I HAD FELT THE BEGINNINGS OF CALIGINOUS ATTRACTION UNTIL HE SWORE LOYALTY TO ME. HE REMAINED BY MY SIDE FOR SOME TIME, NEVER INQUIRING ABOUT MY BLOOD OR LACK OF SIGN. I EVEN WENT SO FAR AS TO BEGIN A MATESPRITSHIP WITH A GIRL OF OLIVE BLOOD, THOUGH I REALIZED IN TIME THAT DOING SO PUT A GREAT NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN DANGER.

SINCE HAVING LEFT THEM BOTH, I SWORE AGAINST THE QUADRANTS, TAKING A VOW OF CELIBACY NOT OUT OF RELIGION, BUT COMPASSION FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS. IF THE IDEA OF ANCESTORS AND DESCENDANTS IS GENUINE, I WOULD NOT WANT TO RISK A FUTURE GRUB TO INHERIT MY CURSE. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I FEEL AS THOUGH MY BLOOD IS COMPOSED OF PURE SORROW, WHICH CAN LEAD ONLY TO A LIFE OF PAIN AND SOLITUDE. I DO NOT WANT MY DESCENDANT TO LIVE SUCH A VILE EXISTENCE AS I. I DO NOT WANT HIM TO BE AN OUTCAST LEFT ONLY TO WONDER WHY HE LACKS THE ONE THING THAT ALL OTHERS TAKE FOR GRANTED.

I DO NOT WISH FOR HIM TO BE SIGNLESS.


	7. Entry 7

**Oops, sorry abou the lack of update yesterday. It completely slipped my mind. . I'll put up two today to make up for it~**

* * *

><p>My soul weeps for my dear friend even now. In the months since he has revealed his tale to me, he has seemed to 8ecome far more open and trusting. And yet, I cannot shake the feeling that hope dwindles in his thoughts.<p>

The hive we have 8egun 8uilding nears completion. It has 8een half a sweep since the winter's eve this all 8egan, and now the summer months are upon us. I caught Terezi watching the glowing insects flying a8out last night, managing to catch one in cupped hands. Our companion cherishes the warm air, though he does not remove the cloak. Ever since his explanation, I've not offered to replace it nor his 8ranch.

There have 8een no reports of Ampora 8eing sighted anywhere in the vicinity, nor anyone else that the Empress may have hired to find us. Perhaps they think us dead.

We still altern8 guard duties, and it was during one of mine that f8 decided to show us her plans. We have a station set up in a tree a small distance from the hive. There is only one direction one can approach from, as the others are 8locked 8y jagged cliffs.

I spotted movement in the distance, quickly locking my attention onto the potential threat. I could not make out many details, 8ut it was clear that he was headed in our direction. This was not a unique occurrence, and so I paid it nearly no mind. I would simply do what I did every time; take hold of him from a distance and walk him in the opposite direction.

This was when I discovered something out of the ordinary.

Nothing 8ut confusion filled my thoughts as I stared down at him. Given his apparent 8lood, I should have 8een a8le to 8end him to my whim with no trou8le whatsoever. So then why did he continue? Why could I not force him to walk away? All I could imagine was the possi8ility that he wore another color than his own in order to appear harmless.

This was an Imperial Agent.

They had found us, and I somehow found myself taking the entirety of the 8lame for this. I repelled off of my perch only after taking hold of my small satchel which stored my dice, along with a sword just in case. I could not allow him any nearer. I had worked too hard, we had come too far.

My footsteps were light as I approached, 8reath held out of instinct. Once he came near, I rolled the dice in my hand and silently tossed them to the ground.

The results were far from prefera8le. An unlucky roll left the tree I hid 8ehind to let out a terri8le groaning, and I managed to evacu8 only seconds 8efore it 8egan to fall. And while I escaped with my life, I now stood directly 8efore the figure I was meant to 8e driving off.

To have attacked head-on was a foolish mistake, though I realized this only after it was too l8. As I swung my sword, I felt static fill the placid air, and I 8ecame aware of the fact that each of his eyes were of a different color.

To anger a psionic of any level is a significant danger. 8ut this one appeared to 8e exceptionally skilled. The sparks of red and 8lue flung my 8ack against a near8y 8oulder, and I remain even now astonished that I retained feeling in my legs.

He stood so very near to me now, and for the first time, I found myself terrified of someone whose 8lood is so much lower than my own. I had to alert the others, to warn them that were I to die here, which was seeming more and more likely, that they had to get to safety. And yet, I did not want to reveal to him the fact that I was not alone.

I 8ecame aware of a voice crying out a name which I did not recognise. My assailant reacted, and I watched his dangerous expression soften. Terezi had her own sword in hand, 8ut out companion urged her to lower it as he stepped forward toward the psionic. I was released, and though my every instinct told me to lunge, to send my 8lade piercing through his 8ack, I only watched the scene unfold 8efore me.

The name was repeated- Sollux Captor, he'd called him- as he reached his hand out, asking for reassurance that he had identified him correctly. When it was given, he explained that he could never mistake the explosion of energy. I myself cannot tell the difference 8etween one psionic's and the next, so I must assume that the increased sensitivity is rel8ed to his lost vision.

It seems that this is the very individual whom he had me write a8out, the gold 8lood who was on the verge of entering his quadrants. And while our meeting was not how I would have preferred it to have taken place, I suppose I can forgive Captor, if only 8ecause my dear friend's face lit up 8righter than I have ever witnessed, and the smile which crossed his lips as a result was that of pure astonished admiration.

Captor seemed horrified that his old friend has lost his vision since their last meeting, 8ut he has 8een assured that he does not mind his disa8ility. I can only assume that, at some point, he has learned of the mutation, as the story regarding hiding his eye color was reiter8ed.

His acceptance of the offer to join our company came in an instant, and I have never seen such joy in those 8lind eyes upon hearing the response. The 8ruises on my 8ack feel as though they will never heal, however, I am willing to put the encounter 8ehind me.

The evening is warm. From the next 8lock, I can hear Captor and our mutual friend discussing the past few sweeps and how their lives have changed in the time since they last parted. It is a calming sound, making me quite nearly forget that we remain outlaws. For the time 8eing, we are nothing more than four trolls enjoying what time we have on this world. I look out at the landscape 8efore me at the clear sky. At the stars like glittering pe88les strewn upon the shoreline. At

There is something in the distance that appears to 8e an Imperial ship. I must alert the others and prepare for immedi8 evacu8ion.


	8. Entry 8

There is not a single face among our ranks that is free of tears this night.

Since our near discovery all those months ago, we have 8een much less lenient in our security. So then why could we not protect someone so very dear to us? We num8ered only four at our highest, how will we go on with our already small 8rigade diminished? How could I have not seen that disaster was imminent?

Perhaps I should start at the 8eginning.

Our l8est refuge was 8y the sea. We understood the risk of the loc8ion, 8ut we also agreed that it would 8e the last place that they would look for us. We never went off on our own, always sure to remain in the company of another. On more than one occasion, Captor and our friend would run off for prolonged periods of time, leaving only a note st8ing that they would return.

On our journey here, we were quite nearly apprehended. Thankfully, Ampora was not among the Agents who discovered us. While I would not mind 8eing the one to put an end to him, we would have 8een fairly equally matched, and there is no way to 8e sure that I would have emerged as the victor.

I thought that we would surely 8e defeated. Terezi unconscious, myself in a headlock. Captor was prepared to attack, 8ut they threatened to kill me were he to make another move. However, in an instant, the warmth of 8lood coated the 8ack of my head in violet.

Our adversaries seemed to have made the same incorrect assumption that I myself had. Just how he managed it, I will never 8e sure, 8ut I discovered that the one mem8er of our party I had thought would 8e most vulnera8le in confront8ion was, in reality, potentially our 8est asset in 8attle. He moved with skill, wielding a pair of sickles which we stum8led across in an a8andoned 8arn only weeks prior. It was at that moment that I silently vowed that I owed him my life.

To have seen him fighting! Every movement was fluid and with purpose. Determin8ion filled him, and yet he did not give off an air of viciousness. I saw him in this moment for what he was. Not helpless, 8ut insistent that we survive. He fought not 8ecause he wanted to, far from it. He fought 8ecause it was our only hope. He fought for peace.

We had gotten word that Ampora and his troops- He has troops now! What a thought!- were growing closer, and that 8efore long, they would close in on us. That 8eing said, we had learned that it is 8est to make a plan of action 8efore simply heading off as we had done in the past. I noticed our friend remained oddly silent as we discussed strategy, speaking only when prompted to 8y Captor.

We would leave in the early evening and head south. A shelter could 8e 8uilt of trees, and I volunteered my cloak as a roof, despite the fact that the cold had returned. Terezi offered to share her heat with me, and I find myself wondering if perhaps what we have is 8ordering on moirallegiance. I pushed the thought aside for the moment, determining for myself that there were far more important things at hand.

Food was scarce tonight, 8ut despite our hunger, we made the situation enjoya8le. Terezi told stories of some of her most exciting cases. Captor revealed that he was an aspiring inventor and disclosed information on some of the projects that he had 8een working on 8efore finding us. Our friend sang that age old hymn for all to hear for the first time. I myself only illustr8d the event, unaware that it would 8e the final moment of peace we would all know as a group.

I was awoken 8y frantic shaking of my shoulder, It was still only early evening, and yet Terezi was terrified. She informed me that the other two mem8ers of our company had vanished without a trace. Never 8efore had they left without informing us, never 8efore had they given us reason to fret.

We risked going off on our own in order to cover more ground. Surely they had not 8een captured? If so, the two of us would not have 8een left. All four of us would have 8een 8rought to judgement, not just half.

In time, I was a8le to make out 8ootprints in the damp soil. Two sets, one pro8a8ly made after the other. Had they simply gone out? Why had they not told us? I reminded myself to scold them when we were at last reunited.

I feared that I would walk into the midst of a 8attle around the time I 8egan to hear the lapping of the sea against the sand in the distance. That energy filled the air, and I knew at once that Captor had to 8e near8y. I called out for him, and in time I saw his silhouette, illumin8ed only 8y the occasional sparks which crackled around his head. I felt relief upon seeing him uninjured. However, my calm faded as soon as I was a8le to make out his face. Those sparks were not from 8attle. And they were not the only thing spilling out of his eyes.

He was weeping.

And he was alone.

And he was holding an all too familiar 8ranch.

Captor all 8ut collapsed against me, so8s wracking his 8ody as I desperately 8egged him to tell me what had happened. The inform8ion he gave me was of no comfort.

Though he had told no one, Captor is plagued 8y a mut8ion of his own. He claims to hear the voices of those who are f8ted to die in the near future. "The Imminently Deceased", he refers to them as. He was started awake, he told me, 8y screams of our mutual friend. If this had not terrified him enough, it nearly caused him to cry out for himself when he discovered that they were not of the physical variety. He only pretended to sleep for the rest of the day, and when he managed to leave without waking Terezi and I, Captor followed close 8ehind.

He revealed himself only when they had arrived on the 8each, where a 8rief heated exchange took place.

Our friend explained that he too was aware that he was to die this night. When asked how, he turned his gaze of darkness to the sea and informed him that his life was to end 8y his own hand. He claimed that he had 8een running for so very long, and that should he die, he wished to have his life cut short 8y his own methods. He claimed that doing it this way would 8e "A 8ig 'fuck you' "to Ampora.

Captor had pleaded, had physically restrained him in an em8race. 8ut our friend had struggled, and 8oth red and gold tears had mingled. Each 8egged the other for one of two outcomes. Captor crying for him to stay, to return to us and keep fighting, our companion wailing for Captor to please just let him finally end it, to let him go.

And he'd let him go.

He'd watched as he took a 8reath of salty air, as he'd taken the first few steps into the frigid water. As he'd swum out farther. As he'd turned 8ack to offer one final small wave, despite having no way of knowing whether or not he received one in return.

Once he'd disappeared 8eneath the water, he did not 8reak a8ove the waves again. 8ut in time, the 8ranch 8o88ed to the surface, Captor having fallen to his knees in grief long 8efore it finally washed ashore.

I felt as though I would 8e ill as I unwillingly pictured the sight. Of him taking one last 8reath 8efore su8merging, letting it out in a stream of 8u88les, sinking slowly with his cloak dancing around him as it had so many times in the 8reeze, of his grip going slack as his soul departed.

Had he truly felt so despondent? Had all hope truly fled him? The three of us wept for what felt to 8e an eternity when we found and informed Terezi, mourning all that seemed to make up the world. At one point, I mentioned that it was unfortun8 that he was celi8ate, and therefore 8eforus would not know another of his 8lood. Terezi agreed. Captor said nothing and turned his gaze away.

A8ove all else, I am angry.

I am angry with the Empress for forcing this f8 upon us all. I am angry with the rest of my race for treating culled trolls so poorly and leading him to desire an escape. I am angry with him for giving up, for leaving us when we all cared for him so very dearly. I am angry at Captor for not insisting that he listen to reason. I am angry with myself for not 8eing a8le to save him, for not seeing until now that his actions had ceased 8eing driven 8y the will to survive, 8ut to 8e sure that the rest of us did. I am angry with all people and all things, and for the first time, I wonder if perhaps this is what he experienced on a daily 8asis. Pain. Rage. Fear. Sorrow.

Captor explained his guilt regarding the fact that he found himself too 8roken to venture out into the water and retrieve his 8ody. Terezi and I pacified him as 8est we could, reminding him that he pro8a8ly wanted Ampora or another sea dweller to find him.

We have no reason to run anymore. We ventured into a nea8y city and found lodgings for the day, and while it is nothing luxurious, it is all we can afford with what little funds we possess. When we first entered, it filled me with a sense of overwhelming familiarity. And in time, I recalled just when I had seen these surroundings 8efore.

It had 8een two sweeps since then, and just like the last time, winter had settled in. This was when I saw him. His horns are unmistaka8le. Slipping away from the others, I pushed through the thin crowd. A well-8uilt indigo 8lood stood 8y his side, and he looked honestly confused as I fell to my knees 8efore the four wheel device, 8egging Tavros Nitram for forgiveness, which, despite recognizing me, he willingly gave.

None who knew him shall ever forget he who had the 8rilliant red flowing through him. His loyalty and kindness were masked 8y a distrusting, harsh exterior in much the same way that his 8lood was hidden 8y his skin. And yet, he had no name to refer to him 8y. We have nothing we can call him.

Or rather, we didn't.

I recalled the hymn he always sang, and the words of the language long since dead. "Or8io irka it klo van gau vl'kl vo laetk gaislk; klato tas ag ar8o laetk rars t'rko rogk klo vaur8 ag klo kar, dik klo kat tlaer'k oq'u vou'tl" In modern speaking, "Grant unto us the peace for which we hast fought; those warriors of olde hast long since left the world of the living, 8ut their ideals shan't ev'r perish." From this, we have pieced together a name for the nameless. One which fits him well. The first transl8s to "Living ideals", the second "Peace warrior".

None of us shall ever forget Karkat Vantas.

Tomorrow, I plan to turn myself in to the first Imperial Agents I can find. That 8eing said, I am not throwing my life away. I do not wish to die, not after having 8een through so much to stay alive. Not when I have a legacy to inform the masses of. I will attempt to convince the Empress that I was merely attempting to gain his trust in order to 8ring him in more easily, and that I simply got caught up in the game, as has happened in the past. It will 8e difficult to sell this to her, 8ut I must try. If I am successful, I will check in the next time I am a8le. If not….. well, that hardly needs explaining.

I do hope that this will not 8e my final entry.

~Vriska


	9. Epilogue

If there was one thing that told her that something wasn't right, it was silence.

To say that Kankri got willing visitors often would be a lie, and while they all did feel guilty about it, it was not usually strong enough that they would risk having to sit through one of his imminent lectures.

He had gone off on one several nights ago, leading most of them to wonder just why he had been invited in the first place. But while everyone else had begun to tune him out around the first hour, something had possessed one individual to continue listening. And she found herself thanking the stars that she had.

When no one had heard a word from the one who usually never stopped talking, Aranea debated for hours on end whether or not this was a good idea. Would he appreciate her gesture, or simply pass it off? It was worth a try. At the very least, it would show him that someone cared. Even he couldn't get offended by that.

The book was cradled in her arms as she made her way to his hive. No one knew that she had it, why would they? It had never seemed important until now. She knocked once, twice, four times before closing her eyes. He was really that upset about it? It hardly seemed reasonable. But then, she had no way of knowing what his life had been like before they'd met.

This book, the journal of her ancestor, was the one object she cared for more than any other. But he needed to know that he was not alone, that he was not the first to endure this fate. And so she tore the pages. Those written in grey were ripped from the rest, the ancient paper tearing easily. It was not a cheerful story, but he didn't necessarily have to know how it ended. They were slid with care under his door, though not before a single line was circled, a note written beside it.

Something to do with this, may8e?

Six trolls having culled him, nine escape attempts. It was a long shot, but it was better than nothing.

It was later that night that a message arrive on Aranea's computer screen. And unlike the ones that usually were written in that brilliant red, it was not paragraphs in length, but two words.

Thank y9u.

No one ever asked how Kankri Vantas chose his quirk. Perhaps they didn't want to hear a lengthy background story, or perhaps they believed it to be thought up on the spot. But seeing those numbers mixed into his words always filled Aranea with a sense of pride. For while her ancestor had not been able to keep their memories alive, his story could at least be passed onto his descendant.

Karkat Vantas would not be forgotten.


End file.
